Wednesday, January 26, 2011

fallen angels

I wasn't really planning to share this.. but I had one of the most painful experiences of my life last week. and haven't really delt with it until just now. gets sort of graphic, and im really sorry for this, but I really need to share it right now.
Me and my husband found out just before thanksgiving that we were going to be blessed with a little bundle of joy of our very own. I was ecstatic, so happy. My husband hugging and kissing me when we saw the little sign saying we were pregnant. We called our families to share the news and everyone was just overwhelmed with Joy. We would be making both of our parents first time grandparents, our grandparents great grandparents, and our siblings first time aunts and uncles
we couldn't have been happier. We went home for the holidays and got little presents for the baby, we made plans for baby showers, and plans for introducing our baby into the world.
things were wonderful. we couldn't have been more happy.
flash forward to this past thursday night. I start getting some spotting and cramping and have to wait to call my doctor until the next morning and they tell me to go to the emergency room. I go, and my cramps get worse and worse and my spotting turns to heavy bleeding. and after what seems like forever I finally get a room, just when things start getting the worst. I was having the worst pains I had ever felt in my entire life. It felt like some one was ripping my stomach out and then all this blood would rush out.
they hooked me up to an IV and gave me pain medication and anti nausea medicine because im allergic to pain medication. they did tests and concluded that I had or was "having" a miscarriage
we had lost our baby.
I kept thinking  everything happens for a reason, I was being so strong. I didn't cry about it. I looked forward. we had our moments like when we were sitting at the bank and the cutest little tiny boy was carrying his choo choo piggy bank, and we looked at each other and could see the hurt in our eyes. or when we were at walmart and heard a little baby girl crying in the checkout line in front of us. we grabbed each others hands and squeezed. or when someone thought they knew best for me about coloring my hair and told me that while im pregnant I really shouldn't be coloring my hair because the chemicals could harm the baby. Brad rubbed my back and told me it would be okay. through all of this I held my breath because I know that its God's will.
then today the stupidest thing set me off and I started bawling; the kind where snot is coming out of your nose.. and your make up is on your sleeves and your shaking and you cant breathe. My husband curled up with me on the couch and held me and let me cry and cry and told me how much he loved me, he kissed my snotty face and held me tight and let me get my makeup all over his chin and his neck and my snot on his shoulder and he didnt care. he knew I needed to do this because I hadn't yet.
and somehow im not sure that it really made a difference, I still feel empty, I still feel this immense sadness. yet  I see the light at the end. I have hope that He will bless us with a healthy pregnancy next time, with a happy healthy baby and then our little family will become a bigger family.
thank you for reading.. and im sorry if it was too much.
feel free to comment if you know the pain.


  1. I'm sorry sees but I am glad you guys are dealing with it together and growing closer as a couple.

  2. thank you, its going to take some time but I know we will be okay and be able to try again an a few months!